Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
