Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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