...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
