I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
