I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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