Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
