Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
