if you like me you must not know who I am
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
