1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
