My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
