Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
