OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
