Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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