I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
