i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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