The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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