im six kinds of drunk right now
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
