The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
