Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
