god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
