somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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