Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
