He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
