I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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