so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
