she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
