why didn't you poke me back
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
