I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
