So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
