I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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