So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
