Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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