btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
