remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
