i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
