he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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