i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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