Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
