and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
