I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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