My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
