so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
