Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
