We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
