Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
