There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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