What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
