I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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