i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
