The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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