So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
