she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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