I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
