also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
